To Yuki A'zuma
To Yuki A’zuma or Mirasi -
Where do I even begin? I mean we haven’t really talked properly for at least a few years, and concurrent days of talking hasn’t happened since perhaps the time immediately following your departure from the FC. That, in itself, is now over four years ago. Four years ago. I find myself reflecting on my time in XIV and you were such a vital part of it for me for years, I remember looking forward to logging in so I could talk with you, or spend time with you. We didn’t have many interests in common, you were mainly a STEM- or anime person and I was mostly a social sciences or just your resident listener, but it was enjoyable. I remember spending so many hours just watching all of you, the ‘Bench Buddys’, interacting. You know what hurts a lot? The vast amount of time between then and now.
We became friends in April of 2014, and were great friends up until around 3.3, or mid 2016 or so. When you left the FC I felt that the world had shattered to some extent. It wasn’t really rational, because we had just been in the FC for like a few months by that point but it was still terrifying. I thought that’d be the end of our friendship, and in many ways it was. It was irrational because our form of friendship had almost always been one of a FC-less union, but it took on such a different character when we made that FC. I genuinely felt much closer to all of you than ever before, and I just wish that you’d been there for the ups and the downs of 2017 because I think you could’ve helped me navigate those unchartered waters better than anyone else.
Kuzh Ma’sthola, seemingly the facilitator for every friendship I initially got, yet one who ditched shortly into them all. Figured a picture of Kuzh would fit in here, a little tribute to you, Nick.
1. Bench Buddys
We became friends in 2014, the precise date you actually blogged to the world. I spent a lot of time with Kuzh, and then you stumbled onto our bench and made yourself known. At first I was quite hostile towards you, I wish I had snapped some screenshots just to see how vile I was, but eventually I softened up to you. Kuzh ditched our LS, and our “world” roughly a month after, simply stopped playing. I guess they just didn’t find it all that interesting, but we kept on going. You were in many ways stuck inside your own head, you had your own way of being, but you had charm. You were perhaps sometimes annoying, but so was definitely I, but I still enjoyed every second with you, and still to this day I cherish all the memories, I just wish I had been better at recording them. I remember when you and Tyke became an item for a little while, it was sort of romantic, signaling how great your friendship was. I mean you both bickered often, but you also helped each other. I remember Tyke leaving his FC for a month or more to help out FRZN. I also remember all of us joining CHOE during 2.4, when NIN was released, and how glorious it felt to be in the same FC. Of course, it wasn’t meant to last, but it was a pretty splendid period of time.
Taken during HW Early Access, but I just wanted a nice picture of a semi-active LS.
We did so much content together during 2.x, everything from hunts in 2.3, to CT-spam when ‘CT’ only referred to Labyrinth of the Ancients. Sometimes I wish I could just pop back to get a sense of a ‘day in our lives’, I surely have a romanticized image of this time, but it was beautiful.
Beor, me, Kyouko Piripiri, Yuki Snowhorn, Winters, Kirara, Mewoir, Jz Ben, Tatania, Shyvana, ++. Where are all of these people now, I sometimes wonder.
I remember when I first met Beor, then suddenly he was in your FC, you explained it as your FC mates thinking it was a hilarious joke. He was sassy, rude and awesome, but sadly vanished after his free trial (only to reemerge a year later-ish).
1.1 The online test
Originally written in a subchapter dedicated to Brii I figured I’d toss it in here because of its relevance to our earlier days: “One of the things I remember happening was that Yuki had some sort of online test about sexuality, the kind you answer and it’ll tell you something about yourself. We all took part in it, and we got very similar results. I think of all the people in the Bench Buddy LS we were the most alike, for good and bad. I remember you joking about my nationality, how it sounded like we always were one step away from puking, and how you guys always sounded drunk. There are so many things I could write about you in this first period. I very much doubt I’d even be playing without meeting you, as I had lost a very good friend in Kuzh and I was about to pack it up. I don’t know who you felt the closest to, it might’ve been Tyke or Yuki. Maybe even Ree.”
1.2 The Labyrinth of the Ancients
I often think about how often we did this. You, Kuzh and I, or simply you and me. Probably you and Kuzh, too, I imagine. I remember me and you forcing Ree Chu to tank it. I have such fond memories of it. You ninja pulling the boss, forcing Kuzh or Ree to react fast or risk the rage of a full group of people. Back then this duty was quite difficult, with the datacenter being in NA, sort of innate server lag, and everyone just being new and quite poor at the game. You’d have to actually try really hard to wipe nowadays, but back then this whole thing was a blast. Sadly, I don’t have an image from it but I do have one from Syrcus of you, frozen or FRZN. Think I found it ironic at the time and that’s why I screenshot it.
1.3 The original FC
An excerpt from a ‘book’ I wrote in 2018 about my FFXIV experiences:
“I am just going to bring you back to late 2014 for a second. You see for a little while we had the idea of starting a Bench Buddies FC. Ree Chu had just started playing again, and our LS was quite active but none of us really found a FC worth remaining in so we toyed with the idea of starting one just for us. In hindsight we probably should’ve. Could’ve consumed some of the people we talked to and instead of inviting them to a dead LS we would have invited them to a living FC. We stopped talking about starting a FC though. We simply moved beyond that, I found another FC, Ree stopped playing again and life just went on. “
I do sometimes wonder what could’ve been had we actually formed an FC, and started using Mumble or Skype or Teamspeak or whatever else, perhaps even something like Messenger. Oh, how I wish Discord was a thing back then. I fully believe it could’ve been great.
1.4 An event from the past
I remember specifically a most random event that happened in 2014. We were hanging out, you, me and Tyke, and suddenly a huge group of pink people clad in robes stormed into the Gridania aetheryte plaza. I believe we followed them around for a bit, and also joined in with our own pink robes. “How do you do, fellow KKK?”.
1.4 The next chapter
Excerpts from the ‘book’:
“Beside what had happened in the LS (referring to what happened to make Brii and Erandel leave the LS) 2.3 wasn’t very memorable, I remember doing some hunts with Yuki and with Tyke but they were more into that than I was. I was now just wandering the wilderness looking for “home”. I don’t know why we didn’t recruit more people into the LS, we totally should’ve.
2.4 came around and I was FC-less. Ninja was released in this patch and Tyke invited me to his FC: “you can join for the EXP and then leave if you feel like it after :D!”, I think he told me. I joined and remained in the FC for a long time. Hanaan Hatake I already knew from the LS and Early Days (referring to a chapter in the book) but in the FC I got to meet Jack Hamlet, Sora Mhigo, Mieko and Kusari Cifer, and Lanceifer Tiferet. They were a cozy bunch of people. I had finally found my home, the place I thought I would remain for a long time. Yuki also ended up joining this FC. Chocohoes, btw. “
1.5 Pre-Heavensward
Heavensward had been announced, teaser trailers, Fanfest, speculations. Location had been confirmed way back in 1.0, but nothing else was known. Sadly, the period right before an expansion is the ‘worst’ one for an MMORPG as everything loses its value. ‘Why do this if it’ll become irrelevant in like a few weeks?’. I remember spending a lot of time with you prior to HW. Like a crazy amount. You’d found all these cool OoB glitches, and we’d explore them, together with some select friends. I remember you showing me and Ui a few of them. I spent days with both of you, and with you and others. Wish I had recorded a lot more of it, but at least I got the memories.
I remember when you changed your character to a hyur with the last name of "Pendragon". Was it Nielle? Genuinely nuts how long ago this was. Like sometimes I feel like I can simply log back on and it’ll be like it always was. The LS will be bustling with activity, lots of ‘hey’s’ thrown around. ‘Wanna do Syrcus? I need the bard hat still.’. I wish we’d spent less time on petty arguments, and more time on each other. Emotionally it feels like a few months ago, but rationally it has been almost six years.
2. Heavensward
Heavensward rolled in, it was everything I ever wanted from an expansion. It was ARR just more, it had so much to do I almost got overwhelmed and paralyzed. Having loaded into Ishgard and dodged all the “Where do you unlock Dark Knight?”, I managed to unlock DRK and we were all set to go. You as AST, me as DRK, Tyke as MCH… and Mayo straggling behind as NIN, several levels below us all. It feels surreal. I sometimes play the theme for Bismarck, simply because it reminds me a little of how it felt to level up in HW seeing as that theme is rather different from the rest. I remember doing Dusk Vigil, struggling with my DRK against the heavy hitting enemies, AST being rather imbalanced and MCH being simply weak at launch. But we made it. Remarks made about the first boss of Sohm Al “Isn’t this the boss from one of the turns of Bahamut?”. At the time I was in AeRa, you were in FRZN, and Tyke in CHOE.
I can cry just looking at this. I just want to reach through this image and live it all again, most importantly - change some select few things.
2.1 Blade & Soul
I do remember playing this game with Yuki or Mirasi, Mayo, Tyke and Rin. Initially I didn’t have great expectations, normally a controller player, I struggled a little with kb/m, but playing with you guys made it worth it. I do wish I had taken more screenshots, and recorded some clips. Think we played it around the end of 2015, and it was a blast, although a rather short one. It just lacked content, I remember the story suddenly stopping with no cliffhanger or anything. It was a neat experience, and I do sometimes wish we had given it more of a chance.
2.2 The start of something great
“I don’t think we specified why we started a FC. We simply did. And that’s the very same FC I’m now in a little over 2 years later. In the beginning it was just Belhi, Tyke and I. And that’s all the members we ever needed. We built the FC but decided to get a house so we donated some gil and worked towards it but then we received a tell from Yuki. She was interested in parting with her FC, it was dead and it had a medium house. I believe the FC was called Mognet Central, with a cozy house in Lavender Beds. We merged our two FCs and The Bench Buddies 2.0 was created, now with a house. Yuki was made a co-leader. The dead FC had another member there already called Rivai Ri, now called Ink Varia who also decided to join us. Belhi was in a relationship with someone and they joined together with a group of friends. Rin Lumoria, Sakurapingu Chan, and Alderin Haragin. A few extra too but I can’t remember their names, I’m sorry. We were a decently sized group of individuals now.
We could finally do everything in the game, be it maps, dungeons, raids or whatever. I felt like the FC was a massive success. “
The FC was everything I hoped it would be, it really showcased how we should’ve made the FC back in 2014. Everything seemed to click though, Rivai Ri was talkative and very friendly, despite being a little bit rough around the edges. It just seemed too good to be true, but it was true. Having made the FC we got to work, crafting a ton of things in the workshop, doing maps for furnitures and items, redecorating. I really miss this house so much, and wish we never “traded up”. It was perfect. As with the Bismarck theme I sometimes just put on the Lavender Beds theme and close my eyes.
2.3 The end of everything
I wonder if I had been able to change the outcome had I known at the time what was about to transpire. I doubt it, because it truly was such a random thing. Maybe something had been building up for a while, most definitely it had, but with tragic consequences.
You and I had exchanged a few letters talking about difficulties in life and stuff. I didn’t consider your feelings with the respect they deserved. Too busy stuck in my own world, a lack of consideration. “I don’t want to lose you as friends”, I think the plural there speaks volumes as to what had happened. I can’t strictly recall much from this period, but I know that it did happen. Not on purpose, but it did still happen. We did less and less content together, you were less included in stuff, I distinctly remember this feeling of wanting to include you more often, but I wasn’t good enough at it. Tyke and Mayo/Belhi/Skye had a thing going on, and I was very burned out constantly, but I do remember missing you something intensely. I remember a random night just logging in hoping you’d be on, but you weren’t.
Things weren’t the best between us all, and when content was done we never considered asking or inviting. The gulf between all of us grew, and it ended with a reaction to something really miniscule escalating into a full on act of war.
Excerpt:
“I think a few days into patch 3.3 Yuki had a fight with someone, from what I remember it was either about transgender issues or LGBT in general. Sorry, I don’t remember. But this had the consequence of making her a little hostile going in. Now, Yuki and Tyke discussed some game and Tyke said something negative about a game. Yuki as a joke just kicked Tyke and so I invited Tyke back and he kicked Yuki. Fun and games except for the fact that it didn’t appear too innocent to people joining. Also the fact that both of them lost their rooms due to it, and with that some rare furniture. Tyke had treated the room as a storage space for his stuff, so it was a substantial loss.” I believe the discussion was about Bethesda, Skyrim, or something to that effect, it was just idiotic.
“I talked Yuki down and made her apologize but the damage was done, Yuki would be demoted to Officer for a while, something she rightly didn’t accept and she chose to leave the FC instead. Yuki found another FC and she’s been with them ever since, I did try to reconcile us and also get her back but she didn’t want to so I just couldn’t do anything. This marks the first of what I consider to be the three greatest mistakes our FC ever did.”
The 3 regrets are central to the book, but not strictly relevant here, suffice to say it proves beyond doubt that you meant a great deal, Yuki.
> I made this prior to ShB just to get a sense of all of us. Sadly missing Pepto Bismol, a person who randomly logged on one day only to ditch the LS, and leave the datacenter, I believe. I made this to sort of get a sense of who we were and who we had become, at least at the time.
Tyke should’ve also been demoted and made to apologize, something both me and Mayo realized later, but by that point it was too late.
I remember spending some time with you, trying to get you back into the FC. You said something to the effect of “If you want me back you’ll need to show a lot more effort, and actually be nice to me”. And that, in turn, is probably the truth of it all. Things had gone sour a long time before we parted ways. I did try, but it wasn’t meant to be.
2.4 The aftermath
Excerpt: “I still missed Yuki and while we still had the LS it just wasn’t the same. The LS had lost its meaning after we created the FC, now it only served as a memory of what it used to be. Yuki and I lost contact. We still talked every now and then, we still did things every now and then but considering how much time we spent during Heavensward’s launch we were now barely talking once a week.”
While we occasionally still did things, occasionally we’d pop into each other spheres, it practically stopped after our separation. I don’t think I went to your wedding, but only because I had taken a break from the game and you didn’t know at the time. Still, it sucks because it demonstrates more than anything that our friendship was a ghost, a mere shadow of what once held actual substance. Just air to the previously material friendship.
2.5 The passage of time
Do you remember your fight with Gaji when you were kicked from BRO?
That happened almost exactly a year before the drama between all of us. I’m not trying to make a point, just showing how little time passed, and yet how distinct and how rich that time was, if you get my meaning? It was just a year, a year and a month to be precise, but so much happened there. We did PvP together, raids, coils, extremes. We did everything together.
To cap off the ‘book’ I wrote a sort of ‘stream of consciousness’ about everyone I had met and interacted with in the game and this is what’s directly relevant to you, Yuk. Also keep in mind that I tried finding a dungeon or duty to fit everyone into, because I always think about people when I do certain duties:
“
Yuki Snowhorn / Yuki A’zuma is sort of a unique one. We didn’t start off well, I think I was very harsh towards you and borderline hostile. I don’t know why. Anyway, we grew closer when Kuzh left and later through Bench Buddys we connected well. We’ve enjoyed heights and lows as a friendship, never really being mad at each other but at the same time we’ve been something worse - absent. We’ve been through a few FCs together, through a couple other friendships together and we still find a way back to each other. Though after what happened between us in The Bench Buddies FC we never really hit the tone afterwards. We were still in the same LS but it just wasn’t the same. I tried to recruit you back again but it just wasn’t the same. I think what happened broke what we had and I think it might be too late to get it back. I so wish things had been handled differently, a simple discussion about a game combined with some awful moods made us all the worse off. Snowcloak is an obvious choice for you, particularly because you liked the music so much. I remember running it with you, I miss you. We barely talk nowadays, we haven’t really talked in a year. Sure, we share comments and we talk through things but never to the extent we used to. I could’ve mentioned Pharos Sirius because I remember doing it with you, and you liking the music in there (even if at the time we could only listen to it immediately as we zoned in). I chose Snowcloak because it was closer to Heavensward and I remember us launching into it together. I met Venator Lunem through Yuki. He would become a staple of the Bench Buddys prior to HW, we’d mess around, do some RP, do some duties, do a bit of everything. Venator was awesome to have around and I miss you, sadly you had to ditch the game due to some tough finances or perhaps general boredom. Venator came back midways through HW but didn’t stick around, really. I distinctly remember us sitting on the benches near the Mor Dhona aetheryte just messing around, you, me, Belhi, Yuki and Tyke.”
3. Conclusion
From the days where happiness was never in short supply,
to the days where emptiness reigns supreme.
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