To Fie - the aftermath
I've written two posts about you now and that might be confusing but I want to, I kinda have to write something as a epilogue I guess to my previous one. We met around this time 3 years ago, 2 years ago our friendship got ruined completely, in the months that followed I ditched literally everything, total social isolation. I came back but by then it was kinda too late, I tried, you tried, it didn't work because I wasn't quite there yet.
I remember sitting outside my house in The Goblet afk and you came up to me and /poke me, I didn't see it happen but I saw it in chat. There was a period after I came back where things maybe could've been solved, or at least settled. As I said, I wasn't ready and instead of trying in the end I lashed out, undeservedly so, at you and drove you far away from me.
Remember when I harassed you and Habbit at your house and we talked about doing the event? I think by the end of that conversation we had reached a mutual, though not spoken, agreement that this would probably be the last time we actually talked together, because it kinda was. Neither asked the other if they wanted to join for the event. In hindsight I should've done more, maybe me being in a linkshell with you two would've done something. I never really asked or made the effort to recognize the pain I caused, nor did I really attempt to move forward insisting instead on "fixing" and "mending" our broken friendship so that it could return as it were before it was broken.
In my previous post I wrote about voice and I strongly believe that had we actually been on voice when everything happened our friendship wouldn't have snapped as it did. Now, of course, we might have found other ways of ruining it, I would've certainly found some other destructive habit or done something but perhaps we'd have just faded away instead of this non-resolved breakup. Instead of legitimate questions about what happened and why we would've parted on mutual terms. Just a passing friendship. Perhaps now, two years later, we still would've found time for each other, done things, perhaps an expert roulette here and there or just in general chatted for a bit, perhaps we would've, as I said, faded away through the natural course and evolution of our friendship but at least it would've been on our terms and had at the very least the illusion of respectability for each other. Now, don't confuse that, I do respect you greatly but I don't know how you view me, our previous friendship or what happened. And because of that I can't really write "and I think you respect me too" for two reasons: 1. I don't want to put words in your mouth and 2. I like to think so but nothing I did at the end there really warranted you respecting me after the fact, y'know?
I remember us exchanging a lot of texts on PSN and it truly felt like we were beginning to mend things and then I snapped, I lashed out at you completely derailing any future attempts at reconciliation. I wasn't actually angry at you or hateful of you, I was hateful of myself but I didn't recognize it at the time and instead lashed out at the person closest to me and for that I will forever be regretful. I'm not a violent person, I'm not really the person to necessarily lash out but I did, an explosion of emotions but at the end of the day - I did that.
As "our time" slips further and further into the past I'm left with less and less questions, less and less negative emotions and just this warmth of what was. You brought genuine joy to someone who hadn't experienced that in a very long time. You showed actual interest in me and who I were, who I wanted to be, my interests and how I was doing. You took the time and for that I'm forever in your debt even if you never want to hear another word from me and even if, in the fullest of time, we never say another word to each other. A few months ago we had a small exchange of messages on PSN and that brought with it a lot of joy, not because it was the happy reunion or the mending of a broken friendship but because it was a sign of life from you. I still have most of the stuff you crafted for me on XIV for instance simply as a token of who we were, or at least who I hoped we were, to each other and our friendship. But, as I said, I will not burden you, as much as I want to just send you messages after messages I don't want to pester you. As much as I want to make up for what I did and truly "be there for you" I can't, it isn't fair to you. If you want contact with me, after everything I did, you would've told me so I feel.
I remember waking up to check Discord in case you had written something, looking forward to playing with you and sharing the world of Stormblood with you, doing POTD with you, even God damn The Diadem with you.
You were truly my "main dish" in a sense. With a lot of others I was, as you said back during those times, "transparent paper", but not with you. You clearly saw me for who I was and in the end perhaps also another reason for why things went so bad. I remember you telling me something akin to "if you knew this thing about me you would ditch me" but perhaps the same could and is true of me? Perhaps you finally recognized "this thing" about me and it drove you away though in truth - I drove you away, not an element of me, not a "demon" inside me, I did. And I accept full responsibility for any harm I did to you and I so regret it and wish I could take it all back and just go back and redo so much of it, but I can't.
I'm not the "move on" type of person, I hold onto feelings for years and I hold onto people for years even when I distance myself from them or they distance themselves from me. Maybe part of a larger undiagnosed mental issue. I don't know.
If you ever find this post it'll be because you stumbled upon it, or someone stumbled upon it and found it and redirected you to it. I don't want to send you a link to this. I think you've fully moved on, and that some time ago and so I don't know how much of this is even recognizable or of interest to you. I miss you and for a time I could truly say I love you, you were part of my world for such a short time but you made an immediate and great impact. You woke up someone who was completely isolated without any ambition of plans for the future and now I make plans, I have ambitions and I am dealing with my issues. You did that in a way so a lot of my progress has been down to you and what you did for me during our year or so of friendship.
In a way you found the person I hoped I was in Habbit and I'm actually happy about that. You're still going strong I assume, I can't know and I don't want to bother you either. I'm so curious about you, what you're like now, who you are, how you are doing, what you're doing all the things but I know, because of what I did, the time for those questions are very likely long gone. I very much became everything I despise and I will take that regret with me as I navigate this world. The bench buddies died with you in a sense. It just wasn't the same and it isn't the same and the clock is just ticking on the entire thing, I will soon be gone and at long last no longer be transparent paper.
I remember sitting outside my house in The Goblet afk and you came up to me and /poke me, I didn't see it happen but I saw it in chat. There was a period after I came back where things maybe could've been solved, or at least settled. As I said, I wasn't ready and instead of trying in the end I lashed out, undeservedly so, at you and drove you far away from me.
Remember when I harassed you and Habbit at your house and we talked about doing the event? I think by the end of that conversation we had reached a mutual, though not spoken, agreement that this would probably be the last time we actually talked together, because it kinda was. Neither asked the other if they wanted to join for the event. In hindsight I should've done more, maybe me being in a linkshell with you two would've done something. I never really asked or made the effort to recognize the pain I caused, nor did I really attempt to move forward insisting instead on "fixing" and "mending" our broken friendship so that it could return as it were before it was broken.
In my previous post I wrote about voice and I strongly believe that had we actually been on voice when everything happened our friendship wouldn't have snapped as it did. Now, of course, we might have found other ways of ruining it, I would've certainly found some other destructive habit or done something but perhaps we'd have just faded away instead of this non-resolved breakup. Instead of legitimate questions about what happened and why we would've parted on mutual terms. Just a passing friendship. Perhaps now, two years later, we still would've found time for each other, done things, perhaps an expert roulette here and there or just in general chatted for a bit, perhaps we would've, as I said, faded away through the natural course and evolution of our friendship but at least it would've been on our terms and had at the very least the illusion of respectability for each other. Now, don't confuse that, I do respect you greatly but I don't know how you view me, our previous friendship or what happened. And because of that I can't really write "and I think you respect me too" for two reasons: 1. I don't want to put words in your mouth and 2. I like to think so but nothing I did at the end there really warranted you respecting me after the fact, y'know?
I remember us exchanging a lot of texts on PSN and it truly felt like we were beginning to mend things and then I snapped, I lashed out at you completely derailing any future attempts at reconciliation. I wasn't actually angry at you or hateful of you, I was hateful of myself but I didn't recognize it at the time and instead lashed out at the person closest to me and for that I will forever be regretful. I'm not a violent person, I'm not really the person to necessarily lash out but I did, an explosion of emotions but at the end of the day - I did that.
As "our time" slips further and further into the past I'm left with less and less questions, less and less negative emotions and just this warmth of what was. You brought genuine joy to someone who hadn't experienced that in a very long time. You showed actual interest in me and who I were, who I wanted to be, my interests and how I was doing. You took the time and for that I'm forever in your debt even if you never want to hear another word from me and even if, in the fullest of time, we never say another word to each other. A few months ago we had a small exchange of messages on PSN and that brought with it a lot of joy, not because it was the happy reunion or the mending of a broken friendship but because it was a sign of life from you. I still have most of the stuff you crafted for me on XIV for instance simply as a token of who we were, or at least who I hoped we were, to each other and our friendship. But, as I said, I will not burden you, as much as I want to just send you messages after messages I don't want to pester you. As much as I want to make up for what I did and truly "be there for you" I can't, it isn't fair to you. If you want contact with me, after everything I did, you would've told me so I feel.
I remember waking up to check Discord in case you had written something, looking forward to playing with you and sharing the world of Stormblood with you, doing POTD with you, even God damn The Diadem with you.
You were truly my "main dish" in a sense. With a lot of others I was, as you said back during those times, "transparent paper", but not with you. You clearly saw me for who I was and in the end perhaps also another reason for why things went so bad. I remember you telling me something akin to "if you knew this thing about me you would ditch me" but perhaps the same could and is true of me? Perhaps you finally recognized "this thing" about me and it drove you away though in truth - I drove you away, not an element of me, not a "demon" inside me, I did. And I accept full responsibility for any harm I did to you and I so regret it and wish I could take it all back and just go back and redo so much of it, but I can't.
I'm not the "move on" type of person, I hold onto feelings for years and I hold onto people for years even when I distance myself from them or they distance themselves from me. Maybe part of a larger undiagnosed mental issue. I don't know.
If you ever find this post it'll be because you stumbled upon it, or someone stumbled upon it and found it and redirected you to it. I don't want to send you a link to this. I think you've fully moved on, and that some time ago and so I don't know how much of this is even recognizable or of interest to you. I miss you and for a time I could truly say I love you, you were part of my world for such a short time but you made an immediate and great impact. You woke up someone who was completely isolated without any ambition of plans for the future and now I make plans, I have ambitions and I am dealing with my issues. You did that in a way so a lot of my progress has been down to you and what you did for me during our year or so of friendship.
In a way you found the person I hoped I was in Habbit and I'm actually happy about that. You're still going strong I assume, I can't know and I don't want to bother you either. I'm so curious about you, what you're like now, who you are, how you are doing, what you're doing all the things but I know, because of what I did, the time for those questions are very likely long gone. I very much became everything I despise and I will take that regret with me as I navigate this world. The bench buddies died with you in a sense. It just wasn't the same and it isn't the same and the clock is just ticking on the entire thing, I will soon be gone and at long last no longer be transparent paper.
Edit after the fact: It has now been several years since and the Bench Buddies have gone their separate ways, you weren't at fault for that, don't want to even hint towards that, but I think what happened between all of us there really started that whole chain of events. It is years ago now though.
This is a little cringe perhaps, but I write to let out some emotions and so be it. I doubt you'll read this though, and that's not the point either. It is soon 5 years since you had (Goodbye) in your search info, and you and I and all of us became great friends over POTD. Five whole years, what the fuck. I quit XIV, I think you still play, and all the others still play, and I wish you well. With this that chapter has closed.
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