Twelve years of Fourteen

 It's been about twelve years now since I first stepped into the world of Final Fantasy XIV. Twelve years since Call of Duty Ghosts forced me to reconsider my gaming habits and launched me fruitlessly along the notoriously laggy PlayStation Store in search of something more to do.

I had grown fatigued by the rollercoaster that is the annual games in the form of Call of Duty and of its ilk. The PlayStation 4 was relatively brand new and I looked for a truly next gen experience. Something that could utilize the power of the console. I think I searched high and low, even went through my cobwebbed library looking for another avenue. Some game I hadn't tried or something to keep my interest.

I believe I had actually given up when an ad popped up for FFXIV. "Sign up now for the open beta". I had never really played Final Fantasy before. I had heard great things about it, particularly FF7, but never actually ventured into JRPGs.

I had nothing else to do so I signed up, made my character and Karma was born. I've always used Karma online, but the game needed a second name as well, a last name. Karma Lynch, it seemed unique enough.

I've already detailed my adventure throughout the game in another blog entry. It's just strange to think that it has been twelve whole years since that fateful night.

Visually the game is in a better state than it was back then. I played the beta on the PS4, but once it had concluded I was left with two options. Either wait a few months for the game to launch on the PS4, or return to the PS3 and play through it there. I was hooked from the very first moment and I lacked the patience to do anything but start it as soon as I could. FFXIV on PS3 was quite the experience, it played quite smoothly, though graphically it lacked just about everything. Your own party members would disappear during Odin, or you'd wait 2-3 minutes if someone triggered a loading screen of any kind. I remember going to the bathroom whilst loading into Labyrinth of the Ancients. Loading up on drinks waiting for someone to finish their cutscene in my daily myth grind in Brayflox.

It was quite the ride and I'm blessed to have experienced it all, and to have so many great memories of my time with it. And sadly that's all FFXIV is now, a collection of memories.

I tried to return to the game prior to the launch of the latest expansion, and I actually neatly wrapped up Endwalker, a conclusion to the Zodiark... Arc? But I just couldn't continue afterwards. The game was just not the same anymore.

Every single corner of the game, from A Realm Reborn, through Heavensward, to the far east of Stormblood to another dimension in Shadowbringers, to the astral planes of Endwalker. Every single location, dungeon, bench, is littered with memories of long forgotten moments. People, events, funny situations, tragedy and cool gems. And while the saying goes something like "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened", I just can't.

It feels like I'm at the end of my life, having been blessed with a long life, but a bittersweet accomplishment tarred by the fact that I'm now the only one left. FFXIV feels like walking through a cemetery of gravestones belonging to people I once spent every waking moments with, whom I will never again talk to. People I can't even contact because they're long gone. My friendlist is filled with over 200 people, and I remember them all. They're all gone. Every FC I was a part of dismantled, every mansion and house that took weeks of grinding to get reduced to nothing. There's nothing left.

I recently got the soundtrack recommended to me on YouTube and I just get this profound sadness and emptiness when I listen to it all again. Once upon a time the tune of Gridania filled me with joy and kept me going, particularly when it swapped from day to night signaling another all-nighter spent chatting on the bench, but now it's just not there anymore.

The structure is still there, the framework, the gameplay, the story, the quests, the jobs, all of it is mostly there. The scaffolding remains intact, the same people are working on it. But I will never get to experience slaughtering Svara with 30 people ever again, or shouting for a raise because a gigantic Cyclops threw me a mile away. There are no FATE trains in Middle La Noscea, nor is there someone fishing in the aetheryte of Limsa. I won't get to look in awe at the people who cleared T4 flashing their goods in Mor Dhona near the tree, nor will I hear people complain endlessly about Pepsi Man in Idyllshire. Won't even get to hear a funny Idleshire joke.

I can't put up Miasma, Bio, Bio II, Shadowflare and run in for a Miasma II while using Bane to spread my madness as a fledgling Scholar anymore. Nor can I pick between going full strength or full vitality as a warrior. There won't be any Titan-Egi tanking Ramuh Ex.

We can't queue for Lost City of Amdapor and just listen to the music, or go wall to wall pulls as if it was a great achievement. No more party finders with Dzemael Darkhold first boss only. I'll never be frustrated by a tank with less HP than I have as a newbie healer in Aurum Vale, or scream at my screen in pure anger because the tank has dragged the boss out of the blue goo in the first boss of Dzemael Darkhold. I can't flaunt my wealth, nor be impressed by your relic grinding. How you struggled and fought for the Animus, nor can I get helpful advice on my Dragoon. But most of all I can never /tell you what you meant to me, nor do I get the chance to ask you once again if you've done Experts today.

The social reality that made it alive has irrevocably died. Its meaning drained out as the people dispersed. And I think that's why returning to FFXIV hurt more than leaving it ever did. Leaving preserves the world in amber, almost cryogenically frozen, but returning to it thawed it and forced me to walk through it alone. There's no closure, no obituary, no last conversation. Once upon a time we said "good night" for the last time never realizing it would be the last time because it felt like the world had a sort of permanence at the time.

And yeah, perhaps this is a metaphor for life. Perhaps there's some deeper lesson to learn here, to really appreciate the times you're in while you're in them because you never know when they'll end. But looking back at it all I'm just profoundly sad. I miss the game so much, and while it is always technically available, it will never be the same.

I think, and this might be callous, that I consider the game as I would consider a dear family member suffering from dementia. Yeah, technically they're still there. But I know and everyone else knows, it just isn't the same. To everyone I once knew and to everyone who will never read these words. I miss you, and I loved my time with you. I wish I could be your little lalafell for a little while longer, I wish I could still be your Karma.